Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My liver just broke up with me...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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