Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
