Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
