My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
