So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I fill condoms, not promises.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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