i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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