you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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