i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
