dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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