you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
