I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
