Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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