kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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