Nicole vs. Life
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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