if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
