just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
