i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
