my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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