The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
