I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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