You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
