Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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