I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
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My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
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Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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