I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
