If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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