Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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