I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
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Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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