omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
