GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
