one word: firstdatebathroomanal
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
