Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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