I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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