The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
