Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
