I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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