I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
