I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I smell stomach acid.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
