I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
