Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
