If i come over, it means nothing
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
