And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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