so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
