Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
