i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize