Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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