6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
is wine microwaveable?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
