My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize