her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
