i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
