found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
