My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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