PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
