So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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