you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
