You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
