i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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