Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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